Langsung ke konten utama

Can you lose what’s already gone?

I feel like I’m losing something
a little more every day.

On some nights,
when I can’t sleep,
it creeps in quietly.
The fear.

The more time passes,
the further everything drifts,
the closer I feel to losing it again.

Even when there’s nothing left.

I don’t know why letting go
of something that isn’t here
still feels like a risk.

Maybe I’m scared
that I’ll keep doing this.
Or that I’m the reason
this keeps repeating.

I’m scared of my own patterns.
Scared of the kind of future
I can’t even picture.

I don’t know what’s supposed
to be there anymore.

And so I sit in the dark.
Not knowing what to pray for.

The other nights,
I try to shut myself up.

Stop.

Enough.

You’re being too much again.

Is this the kind of feeling
that should’ve never
been allowed to speak?

Because my head hurts
from fighting,
thinking,
judging,
listening,
blaming,
trying to be kind
to myself,
in circles.

All at once.

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

He's still my favorite star.

But I've stepped out of his gravity. There was a time I thought I'd shine brighter orbiting his. As if light only made sense when it came from his direction. Maybe now, I want to be the sea. Or maybe dust. A part of everything  and owed to no one.  Maybe a voice, a line between letters. Or a scent that lingers in the doorway, long after I've left. Maybe I just want to be human again. Someone ordinary. Someone allowed to feel joy without apologizing for it. Someone who still waits for good news without bracing for the worst. Who still hopes. Who forgets, and forgives herself, anyway. I still look at the sky. Mostly after dawn, when everything is hushed, and the prayers still hang in the air. He's probably shining somewhere else now. He always belonged  to a different sky than the one I could reach. And yes, some nights I miss him before I even realize I do. And some mornings, I still look for him out of habit. Glance upward as if he'd still be there. But I'm lear...
2 komentar
Baca selengkapnya

Maybe someday, or next week, I’ll finally forget you.

Because today, I still love you. Maybe it’s not even you anymore, but the version of you I kept safe in my head. Maybe that’s why the feeling still stays like they haven't heard the news. Because I keep thinking. Maybe you were just as lost, and just as hurt. That maybe the only reason we bled was because we didn’t know how else to hold our pain. And so the words we said only sounded like weapons. I keep thinking that someday, you’ll find answers you haven’t yet found the words for. And I once wondered: is it love when we believe in it, or is it love when we accept what it never was? I still don’t know. But I do know this: I still check in on you. Still care about things you won’t share. Still wonder about how your heart is doing today. So maybe not now. Because now, you still live somewhere in me. Even when you’ve long been gone. And maybe not yet. Because there are things I still want to write. Yours, I still want to hold space for. And this one thing I still want to say: I still...
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya
By the end of this day, I should understand that it’s all really over. I should know, realize, and accept that my more than 10-year first love is not going to happen, even though this morning should’ve been the day we married. Because after all, it hits so hard in a language I have never known before, not even in the hardest period when everything crumbled. It just hurts so much. But I think I have cried my lungs out. And I think I have cried enough. Today is really going to end, and so will my almost.
Posting Komentar
Baca selengkapnya