Langsung ke konten utama

4 Tahun

4 tahun. 

Lama juga, ya. Harusnya, satu tahun ke depan, kamu bakal banyak ngomel ke aku soal dosen pembimbing kamu, sebanyak aku ngeluh ke kamu soal Malang yang semakin macet, bensin mahal dan ngga ada Vivo.

Aku juga kebayang kalo kita wisuda bareng. Nanti aku ke Bogor, terus gantian kamu ke Malang. Aku bakal bawa jas supaya kita bisa foto studio disana. Lucu kali, ya. Jadi inget waktu wisuda SMP, waktu aku masih dipelototin ayah kamu, tuh.

Aku juga jadi inget waktu kita kelas 12 SMA. Belajar seharian sambil pesen makan. Kamu paling sebel kalo aku udah ketiduran. Terus, kamu bakal manggil mama supaya aku auto bangun dan belajar beneran.

Ohiya, mama masih suka ngomongin kamu loh, Lan. Kamu sih, lulus duluan. 

Hehe.

Ngga banyak yang terjadi dari terakhir kali aku kesini, satu tahun yang lalu. Aku minta maaf ya, Lan, karena jarang pulang. Setelah lulus nanti, aku bakal cari kerja di Bogor, kok. Biar bisa ketemu kamu.

Aku juga udah berhenti ngerokok loh, Lan. Pindah vape gapapa, ya? Namanya juga berproses, Lan. Kan kamu yang dulu selalu bilang ke aku untuk percaya sama proses. Walaupun aku lebih sering cari jalan pintas.

Ngomong-ngomong soal proses, temen-temen aku juga banyak yang bahas soal usaha, proses dewasa, dan sebagainya. Mereka bilang aku harus mulai membuka diri lagi, memulai lembaran baru lagi, move on kalo kata si Bintang mah. Ngga ngerti deh aku, Lan. Siapa juga yang menutup diri? Mereka aja yang aneh bolak-balik ngenalin perempuan ke aku, padahal jelas-jelas mereka tau wallpaper handphone ku foto kita berdua. 

Ngga jelas.

Yaudah, Lan, aku pulang dulu, ya. Udah mulai deres hujannya. Besok, aku bakal balik ke Malang. Doain skripsiku lancar, ya. Kapan-kapan aku kesini lagi. 

Ini, bunga dari aku, tante sama Mba Bian. Kakak kamu tadi ngga bisa ikut karena ada perlu, mungkin besok.

Yaudah, Lan. Jangan lupa jagain tempat buat aku disana, ya?

Sampe ketemu lagi suatu hari nanti, Lany.

Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

He's still my favorite star.

But I've stepped out of his gravity. There was a time I thought I'd shine brighter orbiting his. As if light only made sense when it came from his direction. Maybe now, I want to be the sea. Or maybe dust. A part of everything  and owed to no one.  Maybe a voice, a line between letters. Or a scent that lingers in the doorway, long after I've left. Maybe I just want to be human again. Someone ordinary. Someone allowed to feel joy without apologizing for it. Someone who still waits for good news without bracing for the worst. Who still hopes. Who forgets, and forgives herself, anyway. I still look at the sky. Mostly after dawn, when everything is hushed, and the prayers still hang in the air. He's probably shining somewhere else now. He always belonged  to a different sky than the one I could reach. And yes, some nights I miss him before I even realize I do. And some mornings, I still look for him out of habit. Glance upward as if he'd still be there. But I'm lear...

I'm starting to wonder if not knowing you anymore was ever the right way.

I've kept my eyes from chasing your name, taught my hands not to reach  for any trace of you. I thought I'd drawn the line.  Thought this might work. I tried to finish the feelings, patiently.  Sometimes still letting them stop by as if they might leave on their own.  I thought I could. I thought I'd grown. Then I saw you. Not on purpose.  Not in any way I could prepare for. And just like that, you tore through every wall I've been rebuilding.  Hole after hole. Until there was no wall at all. So what now? The gap cuts again. And God, I miss you so much, in a way that makes me unsure I could survive this twice. 

It wasn’t an ending.

Not really. Just something unplanned, that turned out to be a beginning. This time, I freed myself from the duty of trying. From the duty to hold, to understand, to accept, question, answer, and wait for something that never once met me halfway. And for the first time in months after everything fell apart, I felt tired in a way that didn’t scare me. Like my body was finally allowed to stop bracing for impact. The fog isn’t gone. But it’s thinning. And though the way out is still sunless, I can feel it. I can feel that there is a way out. Yes, it’s the irony that stings. And the hypocrisy that burns. That I gave so much grace to everything. Except for myself. That I kept waiting to feel like I was worth staying for. When it was always me I kept abandoning. I don’t know how long this will take. How much of me I’ll have to rebuild. Or how many days will still taste like survival. But for now, this is enough. More than enough. Tomorrow can come when it does. Yesterday can stay where it bel...