Langsung ke konten utama

Menyenangkan

"Ta!"

Aku menoleh setelah melepas helm dan menempatkannya pada salah satu kaca spion yang lebih tinggi.

"Kata abangnya, baru ready 15 menit lagi, is it okay?"

Langkah besarnya menghampiriku. Ia berdiri dan menjulang. Satu dari sekian hal kecil yang menyenangkan.

"Alright then. Mau beli jajan dulu ngga, Ki?"

Ia mengangguk, lalu kami beriringan mencari telur gulung.

Hawa di alun-alun kota terasa dingin meski tak menusuk. Hujan baru saja reda, aroma aspal yang dibasahi rintiknya, masih menguar di udara. Satu lagi dari sekian hal kecil yang kusukai.

Sepanjang perjalanan mencari jajan, aku bercerita padanya tentang seorang teman yang menyebalkan, tentang aku yang sering meninggalkan barang, tentang tumpukan tugas yang menurutnya tak perlu dipikirkan, juga tentang telur rebus dan telur dadar.

Sampai ketika kami kembali ke tempat pertama, dan menunggu abang ronde menyiapkan pesanan, aku masih berdongeng ria, sementara ia tersenyum, terpingkal, atau terdiam mendengarkan, mengikuti alur ceritaku yang loncat-loncat tak karuan.

"Lo juga sih, iseng banget jadi orang, heran"

Timpalnya, sembari menerima dua mangkuk ronde hangat, dan memberikan salah satunya padaku.

Sedang aku tersenyum lebar sekali.

Setengah jam berikutnya, kelabu yang tertinggal dan menggantung, perlahan menjadi lebih gelap. Ah, rupanya hari ini bukan waktunya merah muda dan jingga.

"Yuk, pulang."

Diraihnya bungkusan makan malam di tanganku. Seperti yang selalu dilakukannya, meski yang kubawa hanya seberat botol air mineral 330 ml.

Sepanjang perjalanan pulang, aku banyak bicara dalam kepala. Ternyata, tak ada juga guna dari mantra yang kuulang-ulang selama ini. Kukira terpantri, nyatanya terpental kembali.

Ah, entahlah. 

Bagaimana pun mulanya, maupun akhirnya, saat ini, aku hanya ingin menambah waktu atau jarak menuju rumahku.

Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

He's still my favorite star.

But I've stepped out of his gravity. There was a time I thought I'd shine brighter orbiting his. As if light only made sense when it came from his direction. Maybe now, I want to be the sea. Or maybe dust. A part of everything  and owed to no one.  Maybe a voice, a line between letters. Or a scent that lingers in the doorway, long after I've left. Maybe I just want to be human again. Someone ordinary. Someone allowed to feel joy without apologizing for it. Someone who still waits for good news without bracing for the worst. Who still hopes. Who forgets, and forgives herself, anyway. I still look at the sky. Mostly after dawn, when everything is hushed, and the prayers still hang in the air. He's probably shining somewhere else now. He always belonged  to a different sky than the one I could reach. And yes, some nights I miss him before I even realize I do. And some mornings, I still look for him out of habit. Glance upward as if he'd still be there. But I'm lear...

Maybe someday, or next week, I’ll finally forget you.

Because today, I still love you. Maybe it’s not even you anymore, but the version of you I kept safe in my head. Maybe that’s why the feeling still stays like they haven't heard the news. Because I keep thinking. Maybe you were just as lost, and just as hurt. That maybe the only reason we bled was because we didn’t know how else to hold our pain. And so the words we said only sounded like weapons. I keep thinking that someday, you’ll find answers you haven’t yet found the words for. And I once wondered: is it love when we believe in it, or is it love when we accept what it never was? I still don’t know. But I do know this: I still check in on you. Still care about things you won’t share. Still wonder about how your heart is doing today. So maybe not now. Because now, you still live somewhere in me. Even when you’ve long been gone. And maybe not yet. Because there are things I still want to write. Yours, I still want to hold space for. And this one thing I still want to say: I still...
By the end of this day, I should understand that it’s all really over. I should know, realize, and accept that my more than 10-year first love is not going to happen, even though this morning should’ve been the day we married. Because after all, it hits so hard in a language I have never known before, not even in the hardest period when everything crumbled. It just hurts so much. But I think I have cried my lungs out. And I think I have cried enough. Today is really going to end, and so will my almost.